Girl 1: “I know it smells kind of cheap, but I like it because it’s the perfume I was wearing when I lost my virginity.”
Girl 2: “I thought you were wearing ‘Ralph’ when you lost it?”
Girl 1: “No, that was my other virginity.”
Today I’m introducing a new Q&A thread to the blog called Aunt Sue. That’s my nickname among the girls I chat with about this stuff, so it seems appropriate, (even though it’s kind of goofy). In Aunt Sue I’ll post real questions from readers and respond with honest, strategic advice, which you may ignore at your own peril, haha! I hope that you will also weigh in with comments and help each other out. Names will be changed, obvi. Shoot me a question from the About page
Tracey: OK, Aunt Sue, you might disapprove but I hate it that I am a virgin. I’m in my sophomore year of college. I know most people who know me couldn’t care less, but when I go out and hang out with guys I feel totally self-conscious about it. I’m afraid that if I wait for a real relationship, I’ll graduate from college never having had sex! I’ve decided I want to lose it soon, I just have to figure out who to do it with. I mentioned it to one hot guy but he freaked out. I thought he would be thrilled to have an offer of sex, but he says it’s not worth it, I’ll just wind up creating all kinds of drama. If I have to do it with a random I will, but I’m afraid that would feel horrible after.
Tracey, I hear what you’re saying, I really do. It would be great if every girl could lose her virginity with a boy she is in love with, and who loves her back. He would be cute and sweet, and pretty innocent too (though not so innocent that he doesn’t know where her clit is). But in the hooking up culture those guys are in short supply, as you know.
My own first time wasn’t so hot, by the way. I was a sophomore in college and dating a frat meathead. I wasn’t in love with him, but he was a good guy, so…why not. Well, he didn’t have the first clue and the first two tries were no go. I was dry as the Sahara and his response was to jab and poke more and more forcefully. Ow. No way he was getting in there. The next time we went out I decided to be prepared, so I slathered myself before I left with Vaseline, the only lube I had quick access to at the time. Ew. Well, that did the trick, but I’ve always wondered if he associates his first time with the smell of petroleum. Like, is he wistful about filling the car with gas? But I digress.
As far as I can tell you have four options.
Your choices are:
Wait for Mr. Right.
Find a random hookup and do it.
Ask someone you are crushing on to do the honors.
Ask a good guy friend to whom you are not attracted.
Of course, this is what I wish for you. But I think we can rule it out right away, because this is what you’ve been doing so far and you’re going crazy. It sounds like you have firmly decided to take action. The benefit of waiting is that it will be very meaningful. The downside is that your vagina might shrivel up and get dusty in the meantime.
Find a Random Hookup and Do
This approach has the benefit of requiring little preparation. I’m sure you could be a sexually experienced woman before Thanksgiving break. You’re also bound to learn a thing or two, though there are no guarantees that he’ll be any good in the sack. In fact, if you are both drunk, the sex is likely to totally suck. This approach also carries some definite risks. The awkwardness factor afterward will be huge if you’ve gone all the way. Also, the insidious double standard still reigns. Expect him to regale anyone who will listen with tales of his conquest; he’s bound to claim that you writhed in ecstasy and begged for more. He’ll say he made you go totally crazy. This can affect your reputation, and you might experience a sudden surge in interest from boys who would love to be next in line.
Sounds like you’ve already tried this approach, so you already know the problem with it. If you have sex with a boy you like, and he goes for the sex, but does not like you back, you will be hurt. If you think having sex with you will make him like you back, think again. That NEVER works. He’ll disappear, and then you’ll feel insulted that he won’t even booty call you for a second round.
Ask a Good Guy Friend to Whom You Are Not Attracted
All things considered, this is my preferred option. Essentially, you are approaching a friend for a favor with no strings attached. One and you’re done. Most guy friends would be flattered and delighted with such a request, so the risk of rejection is low. Because he cares for you as a friend, he’s unlikely to act like a jerk afterwards. And the act itself might be ok, even pleasant. Of course, if you look at a guy friend and cannot even stand the thought of his penis, he is not the guy. And you should NEVER go for this option with a guy friend who you know or suspect has feelings for you. That is so not fair, to use him like that when he might be invested. And you know that, cus that’s what girls get all the time and they hate it!
One final word: safety. Use a condom, and don’t go with some sketchball you don’t know.